LCO Child Support | June 18, 2019
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Top 10 Tips to Positive Co-Parenting

For those who are separated, divorced or sharing custody of a child, the struggles of co-parenting can produce enormous stressors.

Co-parenting, sometimes called joint parenting or cooperative parenting, is the experience of raising children as a single parent when separation or divorce occurs. Often a difficult process, co-parenting is greatly influenced by the reciprocal interactions of each parent. So, if you're parenting in a healthy way but the other parent isn't, your children will be at risk for developmental problems. The same goes if you're being too permissive and the other parent is too stern.

Co-parenting requires empathy, patience and open communication for success. This is not an easy thing to achieve for couples who've encountered marital issues. However, placing the sole focus on your children can be a great way of helping to make co-parenting a positive experience. Here are some tips.

Two Ways of Problem Solving

According to Deborah Serani, Psy D., from Psychology Today, positive co-parenting is present when there are two problem solving techniques utilized:

• Strategic problem-solving
• Social-psychological problem solving.

Strategic problem-solving model looks just at the issues at hand. The behavioral aspects of your child's problem are highlighted as is the co-parenting trouble spots. Do not address the emotional reasons why problems are happening. As co-parents you will identify the problem and negotiate choices and solutions as objectively as possible. Strategic problem solving directs each parent to resolve conflict through a careful approach of:

1. Exchanging information about needs and priorities
2. Building upon shared concerns, and
3. Searching for solutions.

This is done without getting into either parent’s emotional needs, wants and desires.

Social-psychological problem solving is a more emotional way of resolving issues. The focus here looks at your attitudes and the emotional reasons for co-parenting blind spots. While the social-psychological model, like the strategic model, assumes that parenting conflicts are bound to arise, it differs from the strategic model by focusing on the psychological factors that drive conflict and negotiation impasses. Communication among both parents using this model can be tough, and it's okay if you never reach this way of problem solving.  If you do, remember not to be accusatory or critical. Invite the other parent to see your side with empathy, compassion and authentic concern for the children.

Top 10 Tips to Positive Co-Parenting:

1. Develop a communication plan.  Commit to making co-parenting an open dialogue with the other parent. Arrange to do this through email, texting, voicemail, letters or face to face conversation. Another great option is the LCO Child Support Portal, families can view case summary including case worker details, view your obligation details, payment history, and upcoming appointments and court details.
2. Establish rules and guidelines.  Rules should be consistent and agreed upon at both households. As much as they fight it, children need routine and structure. Issues like meal time, bed time, and completing chores need to consistent. The same goes for school work and projects. Running a tight ship creates a sense of security and predictability for children. So no matter where your child is, he or she knows that certain rules will be enforced.
3. Speak Positive.  Commit to positive talk around the house. Make it a rule to frown upon your children talking disrespectfully about the other parent.
4. Establish boundaries and behavioral guidelines for raising your children so that there's consistency in their lives, regardless of which parent they're with at any given time. Research shows that children in homes with a unified parenting approach have greater well-being.
5. Developing a Family Plan. Negotiate and agree on the role immediate and extended family members will play and the access they'll be granted while your child is in each other's possession.
6. The Real Challenge.  Recognize that co-parenting will challenge you, and the reason for making accommodations and compromising in your parenting style is primary due to the needs of the children.
7. Testing Boundaries.  New challenges will continually present themselves. Make yourself aware that children will frequently test boundaries and rules, especially if there's a chance to get something they may not ordinarily be able to obtain. This is the importance of a collaborative co-parenting strategy.
8. Spend Quality Time.  Research shows that children need time to do every day activities, such as cooking, cleaning, studying, reading, arts and crafts, and other every day activities with their less-seen parent, not just fun things.
9. Consistent Communication. Although it may be emotionally painful, make sure that both parents keep each other informed about all changes in your life, or circumstances that are challenging or difficult. It is important that your child is never, ever, ever the primary source of information.
10. Speaking positively about the other parent teaches children that despite your differences, you can still appreciate positive things about the other parent. "Mommy does a great job with bed time, and Daddy needs to get better." It also directs children to see the positive qualities in his or her parent too. "Daddy is much better at making healthy meals, and Mommy is learning." 

Resources

Kindlon, D. (2001). Too much of a good thing: Raising children of character in an indulgent age. New York: Miramax Books.
Laumann-Billings, L. & Emery, R.E. (2000), Distress among young adults from divorced families. Journal of Family Psychology, 14:671-687.
Mayer, B.S. (2004). Beyond neutrality: Confronting the crisis in conflict resolution. SanFrancisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
Mosten, F.S. (2009). Collaborative Divorce. San Francisco, CA: John Wiley & Sons.
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Hayward WI 54843
(715) 634-8934
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